Long Island Marriage Counseling Blog – Why We Pick the Mates We Do

LI Marriage Counseling Center, Huntington, NY

From Dr. Kramer – Give me a call now at 631-553-1476 to make an appointment or email me at Marriage Counseling Long Island.

“Why we pick the mates we do

Why do people end up at the LI Marriage Counseling Center at Huntington, NY. While there is no simple answer, there is one common theme. These individuals are suffering from Unmet Childhood Needs that influence many of their patterns of relating, especially in times of stress.

What are Unmet Childhood Needs? They include not being validated, listened to, given enough limits, boundaries or independence, lack of approval, attention, power or importance, lack of nurturance and support, and lack of belonging.

We attract individuals who we believe will meet those Unmet Childhood Needs. However, because our past identities growing up including our adaptive patterns to those Unmet Childhood Needs, we often recreate the patterns of our childhood where our needs were not met.
For instance, let us say that you needed to be validated in childhood, and you learned to protect yourself from being hurt when not validated by withdrawing. Now you find a mate who seems to validate you. But whenever he or she doesn’t, you withdraw. That withdrawal causes your mate to react to you and you feel less validated so you withdraw again… and so on, until you recreate the patterns of your childhood.

It is by looking deeply at the key core patterns from childhood that we can peel back the dysfunctional patterns in the marriage and start to rebuild. That is what marriage counseling is all about.

If you have similar circumstances, please send me an email using the form to the right or call me. I would love to discuss.

From Dr. Kramer – Give me a call now at 631-553-1476 to make an appointment or email me at Marriage Counseling Long Island.Warmly, Diane

Dr. Diane Kramer, Psychologist
Long Island Marriage Counseling Center at Huntington, NY
75 Prospect St., Suite 103
Huntington, NY 11743


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